So, What Do You Do?

A story of me trying to find a title for myself.

“So, what do you do?” asked some lady at one of the obligatory family parties.

“Well, I’m interested in so many things…” I replied, hoping to look cool and steer clear of the topic I dreaded the most.

“Yeah, but what do you do for work?” she killed my hopes.

“Why the hell do you want to know how I earn money? There is a deeper meaning to life than just job and money.” is what I would have loved to say. “I create e-learning courses,” I replied with a fake smile.

Several years later, I sit in my therapist’s office trying to express my recent need to have a title, a status. Something I could call myself by when someone asks what I do. It’s been more than 1,5 years since I left my job, and about 5 months since I have no title. I don’t work anywhere, I’m not a student. Who am I?

“When I worked at the e-learning company, I could have said I’m a senior concept designer, you know? It was so clear.” I start laughing seeing the irony in this situation.

The irony is that when I had a title, I didn’t want it. All I wanted for the last 2 years of holding that title was to break free from it. I wished a little lump in my breast would be confirmed as cancer so that I wouldn’t need to work anymore.

It was not a bad title and not a bad job in general. It just wasn’t what I truly wanted. Waking up each day with the thought that I was not living my life was something I couldn’t take anymore. So, I mustered my courage and quit.

For a few months, I was proudly telling everyone “I’m resting, I’m living life, I’m a human being who is being alive”. Then, it changed to “I’m a music therapy student”. When I realized that the studies were my productive way to avoid searching for what I truly wanted, I took a break from it and lost my status again.

Now all I can think of when asked what I do is “I’m a human being who is being alive.” But I don’t say it with a proud smile anymore. “Just living life” starts to feel like a lack of direction. Lack of identity.

It’s not like I don’t do anything while I’m searching for the true heart’s calling. I’m writing now and have been publicly writing for the past 10 weeks. I also plan on writing for many years to come as this feels closest to what I imagine my heart is calling to. I could just call myself a writer, right? But writing is not something I earn money from. Yeah, but following this logic, I am nobody — I do not earn money from anything right now.

If I worked at a gas station for money and wrote novels at night, would I be a gas station operator or a writer? That is why the conversation I shared is still triggering me. This logic is flawed. Earning money should not be the main thing that defines a person. Then what is?

I want my title to resemble the things I’m passionate about. That is why I hated my title when I had it. It did not inspire my passion for life, it took it away. Now, I’m passionate about many things — writing above else, but also self-knowledge, abstract art, dreams, paper making, calligraphy, meditation, creativity, reading, music and more. When I introduce myself to someone, I don’t want to pick just one. I want to be able to say “I’m everything I do and love. And more.”, in a comprehensive and efficient way.

“How would you like to be called?”, asks my therapist.

After some pause, I say, “A creative or creator sounds nice”. I realize I have known this for a while but was afraid to claim it. “An artist sounds even nicer, but who am I to call myself that?”

I spend a lot of time in my head explaining myself to people that don’t exist. I’m sure I could sign my e-mails by General Awesome and no one would care. But I want to come off as a reasonable person. We live in a society and it’s convenient to have titles representing us. Like a face for what we do. But that title must be approved by (non-existent) others, right? Right?

Am I sitting in the bushes on a riverbank? The analogy of life as a river came up in group therapy two years ago. We would say that we sometimes feel like sitting on the bank, afraid of going in the water, while life just flows by us. The things I create feel like something I do while life flows by. As if I’m just playing on the river bank, waiting for someone to call me to the water.

Photo by Robin Canfield on Unsplash

The title and the status could be my boat! I need it so that I can finally take everything I do and get in the water. I can load it with my belongings and enjoy being on the river of life. Writing, painting, creating music, and sharing it with fellow sailors. Playing in the water must feel far nicer than playing behind the bushes on the river bank.

Finding a title to call myself by doesn’t change who I am or what I do. It makes it easy to introduce myself. It makes me feel excited about the question that I used to dread. It represents my identity. It creates acceptance for everything I am and the things I create.

Kind regards,
Kristina
General Awesome, Creator

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Thank you and fair winds!

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